reflections from myself, to myself

[krept]

this is the smallest corner of the site I could find and I choose this place for my mumbling.

i don't understand why we want to make other people feel bad sometimes. i don't know what this could possibly accomplish other than perhaps a brief release of endorphines that paints the dark smile of smugness on our face. they are like small cuts that eventually grow into a scar, emotional ugliness. People to whom the ill sentiments are NOT directed at may not be hurt, but they will see the scar forming.

sometimes there is an internal bliss that comes from emotional masochism. not the warmth of instant gratification, but something more subtle yet deeply moving. perhaps it is from these gloomy depths that we can find simple appreciation in the smallest of areas; a stray dog wagging her tail, hearing two strangers exchange friendly greetings in lieu of succumbing to the default of silence.

observation. i went on a long hike yesterday to observe petroglyphs left by those who lived here long ago. i'm not sure if I went because i was searching for some connection to them, to feel their spirits... or because i just needed to get away. get away from what, i ask myself. some problems, tough ones, new ones. but that's not it, because i bring the problems along. i enjoy their company. i was sitting on a rock watching an ephemeral stream flow. instead of contemplating the brevity of the waters and relating this to life, i struggled with the puzzles in my head. i guess this was a good place to struggle because in the cathedral of nature one can set down the puzzle and feel unity, connectedness. when brooding indoors, there is more problems... treated water, fake walls, random adornments in our square, modern, electric caves.

sometimes i think a zen buddhist becomes too attached to detachment, then in letting go of this, i smile. release is great. better than needless accumulation.

observing a change: on the rock, by the stream while I was wrestling I watched the lives of two people change. two females in their late teens were walking and talking with a lady that appeared to be in her mid fourties. in the midst of all that is natural, the cell phone of one of the young ladies buzzes. they are now about 15 feet away from me. one lady and the older lady continue walking and talking while the other reads her cell phone. it must have been a text message. she begins to weep. the other young lady is given the cell phone and makes a short call. Perhaps a total of twenty words were spoken, she begins to cry as well. The older lady looks up and asks what happens. "Carrissa's friend just killed himself. Kevin shot himself in the head and committed suicide." The lady asked if it were a joke, but by this time she already knew it was not. She said something about him always being "in need of help" and the trio began walking back to their cars.

---------
ourselves
---------

Sometimes i feel that despite our freedom, our lives are governed like blue lines or normal paper. it is funny to look at lined paper and see the two red stripes going vertically, intersecting the blue lines that we are supposed to write on, the lines we were told to keep the letters of our words inbetween. The red lines make me smile. They remind me of the two yellow stripes on roads - DO NOT CROSS. We confine ourselves.

[krept]

Basho, whom Haiku poetry essentially began and ended with, wrote the following on his deathbed:

Sick on my journey,
only my dreams will wander
these desolate moors

[krept]

Invictus, William Ernest Henley. Popularized unfortunately by McVeigh on his deathbed.

OUT of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.


I read this and I think, "wow, I want to feel like that." Some day maybe I will, but sometimes... I just don't know... I don't agree with some of it but at the same time I admire the sentiment that I get when reading it.

Some thing are hard to find uses for... like the tiny, fraying edges that are left from a sheet of paper when it is torn from a ringed binder.

Art is a wonderful hobby. Having an instrument in your hand, poised above a crisp white sheet of canvas is better. Herein lies perfect anticipation.

[RIKA]

Erik, I hope you read this. You have, perhaps purposely, offered a very interesting look into your spirit. I sometimes look deeply into myself too and then see a darkness hidden there that scares me. Why? Because I know that if its in me then its in all of us. The thing that helps me is to focus on the good that we can all do. It always makes me feel better to try to help other people who are less fortunate than myself. It also helps to get out into nature and enjoy its beauty.

Looking too deeply often magnifys the negative side and diminishes the positive. Much better to have a balance.

RIKA

[krept]

yes

this is intentional. i don't want to write anything down in a journal and have the burden. it's like the mosaics in sand that the buddhists do... they can be blown away in an instant or preserved for eons in acrylic. this is more freeflow... it's easier to manage without having to worry about scribbling letters so fast they become illegible. there are many benefits to this medium and this site, this site is cool, a small room in the vastness of cyberspace and here i type in an obscure corner of the site, as small as I could find without oversearching, overthinking.

i wear my heart on my sleeve and have no shame in this. i use logic as a tool when it is needed but it does not govern my decisions. Well... kind of. Sometimes there are moods when the brain takes over -- like the difference between creating an impressionistic painting of a seashore versus Frank Lloyd Wright drawing a building. Both are art in their own right, but I see them as art from the heart/soul versus art from the brain.

there is usually logic in math, however with some very complex equasions, art is created in a fractal (http://www.phidelity.com/ph2/photos/fractals/DarkAlleysOfChaos.jpg).

[krept]

i consider the true "test of fire" actually to be a test of this darkness.

I am not talking about the darkness of depression, hatred or any other emotions. For even in experiencing these emotions, there is a certain purity there. Embracing the abyss of depression and hopelessness can be comforting in some way that is foreign to me. Experiencing the blind intensity of anger, rage, is primal.

Fear. We can fear the results of our emotions coming out of control, but we shouldn't be intimidated by the emotions themselves.

The darkness that I am talking about is more like void. Empty of problems and solutions... empty of love, torture and humor. Like a coma, nothing. Where true fear comes in is right before the question of "self" is answered. Is pure self no-thing? Is it the void? The true realization is called enlightenment for a reason.

This darkness of "self" is the most real of all illusions. Religion or spirituality... truly and unquestionably encompassing a belief may appear to be a shorcut to circumvent this test of fire, but it is not. Indeed it is a very personal decision, probably the most personal one to make because absolutely nobody is affected but one's self. Some people try to convince others of a "God" when in reality they are trying to convince themselves. This may appear as cyinicism but I speak from my own personal experiences.

Isn't flying just controlled falling?

[krept]

soul

the concept that many have of a soul is curious indeed.

if someone hits my leg, I say "that hit me." I feel it.

But if it is cut off and lying on the floor, I see it as my leg. No longer a part of me. Of course we could say "there is part of me laying on the floor" and be correct, but we cannot say "I'm on the floor!"

so how many parts do we have? If I refer to my leg as "my leg" because it isn't really me, the I, then how about the soul? People frequently ask "is your soul going to heaven?" and hmm... am I going to heaven?

What should the soul look like? Let us assume that "soul" = "I". Is it an etherial copy of our physica selves? Do we have the clothes on that we die in or are we naked? If we are naked, do we have all of our organs intact? Are there female and male souls?

The essence of self has been a question for perhaps forever. Does "my self" = "me?"

I feel, yes but no. The self is like the awareness of being. Being in the present, being aware. But what of self awareness? If we are aware of this self, aware of the awareness, it is much like looking at the reflection of a reflection. The observer's awareness is aware of the observation. Would this be a circle, or an endless line?

[Chippathingy]

WTF ???
Walk it off!

[krept]

that's what i was saying earlier man.

you have a problem and go somewhere else to figure it out. that way you can stop trying to figure it out sometimes and just dig what's going on around you.

then when the problem is reexamined, there's a potential to see a different facet in it.

[krept]

=consumption=

http://portal.unesco.org/education/en/file_download.php/c4a3b9b13084818dd114246e68b12eb9Consumption-6+frame.jpg

http://www.ciwf.org.uk/images/5GetInvolved/consumer.jpg

http://www.sitel.com/images/1/consumer.jpg

http://www.rand.org/scitech/stpi/ourfuture/Consumer/images/consumer.jpg

from creation to distruction & back again

[Rich Z]

Krept - if you want your own forum, you can have it, you know. If you want it private, I can set it up with a password. Or make it public and use it as a medium you appear well versed at using. Sometimes it is good for the soul to just let the fingers reflect what is running through your mind. But often life just gets in the way of living, I suppose.

[krept]

Too true.

Rich, that would be cool. Hopefully someday I'll set up a blog on my website to give me space to ramble.

[krept]

---All about the ampersand!---

&


http://encyclopedia.laborlawtalk.com/wiki/images/3/3f/Ampersand.jpg

History

The ampersand symbol has been found on ancient Roman sources dating to the first century AD. During this period the symbol was a boxy-looking ligature of the capital letters E T. Over time the figure became more curved and flowing, until it came to resemble something like the figure above on the right, often called the "italic" ampersand.

By the eighth century AD, Western calligraphy was well developed, particularly in a form called Carolingian minuscule. The calligraphers made extensive use of the ampersand because by condensing a word into a single character, their work became a little easier. During this time the even more condensed ampersand, shown above on the left, was developed. It is often called the "roman" ampersand.

After the advent of printing in Europe in 1455, printers made extensive use of both the italic and roman ampersands. Every new typeface and font has included its own style of &. Since the ampersand's roots go back to Roman times, many languages that use a variation of the Latin alphabet make use of it.

Historically, & was regarded as the 27th letter of the English alphabet. Until recent times the alphabets used by children terminated not with Z but with & or related typographic symbols. George Eliot refers to this when she has Jacob Storey say, "He thought it (Z) had only been put to finish off th' alphabet like; though ampusand would ha' done as well, for what he could see."

Usage

The ampersand is not generally used in the main body of a piece of writing; it is more acceptable to write out the word and. The ampersand is mostly seen in titles and proper names. In these cases, & is interchangeable with the word and; the distinction between them is mostly aesthetic. However, in film credits for story, screenplay, etc., & indicates a closer collaboration than and.

In everyday handwriting, the ampersand is sometimes simplified to a curvy E superimposed by a vertical line, like a $ sign. Sometimes it is nothing more than a + (plus sign) with a loop; the loop is the remnant of a lowercase e.

The phrase et cetera ("and so forth") can be abbreviated &c. This is because the ampersand originally stood for the Latin et.

The ampersand represents a vowel in the orthography for the Marshallese language.

[RIKA]

It is well that you are posting this here Erik. At least no dufus will bring up comment about .30 carbines.

Hey,wait a minute. I brought up a 30 carb comment.

That means I R a dufus. :D

(just joking)

Truth: An interesting post about an obscure subject. But then I like obscure subjects.

Thanks

RIKA :)

[Rich Z]

krept now has his own personal forum set up, of which he is now the moderator. I am waiting for his word on whether he wants me to move this thread to his own forum for him.

Just a heads up if you should see this vanish from here.

[RIKA]

Rich, I think that is a very nice thing to do. Thank you.

RIKA

[krept]

:D

this thread is cool to stay here, there could have been several different threads alone, this was just the beginnings of rambling.