Christmas w/ Louise(long and tacky)

This article was submitted to a 2000 Louisville
Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest
Christmas dinner. This won first prize!

Christmas with Louise

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty
hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said
all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say
about Santa checking the list twice must be true
because every Christmas morning, although Jay's
kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung
sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I
put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable
love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had
to go to an adult bookstore downtown.
If you've never been in a X-rated store, don't go.
You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour
saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're
kidding me!" "Who would buy that?"

Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I
wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that
could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so
I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many
different models. The top of the line, according to
the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book
on animal husbandry.
I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle
pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in
on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours,
long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the
dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and
bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what
remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray.

I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa
had been to his house and left a present that had
made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would
bark, start to walk away, then come back and
bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should
remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family
could admire her when they came over for the
traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked
in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My
brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." "Who
would play with something like that?" Granny
snapped.
I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth
shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.
"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said,
trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was
relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again,
I could have answered, but why would I? It was
Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the
ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, Hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor
eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the
naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was
Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the
mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but
actually flirting. It was then that we realized this
might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk
about who had died, who was dying, and who should be
killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that
sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the
morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew
around the room twice, and fell in a heap
in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed
cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran
across the room, fell to his knees, and began
administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My
brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants
and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of
the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a
thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's
collapse.
We discovered that Louise had suffered from
a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct
tape, we restored her to perfect health.

Louise went on to star in several bachelor party
movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he
can get out of the house.