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Not entirely accurate, but amusing nonetheless...


Gallic Wars - Lost.
In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all Things, an Italian.

Hundred Years War.
Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

Italian Wars - Lost.
France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion.
France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.

Thirty Years War.
France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution - Tied.
Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

The Dutch War - Tied.

War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War. Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

War of the Spanish Succession - Lost.
The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

American Revolution.
In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

French Revolution.
Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

The Napoleonic Wars - Lost.
Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War - Lost.
Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

World War I.
Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States and Britain. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

World War II - Lost.
Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

War in Indochina - Lost.
French forces plead sickness, take to bed with te Dien Bien Flu.

Algerian Rebellion - Lost.
Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

War on Terrorism.
France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

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"A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag." —David Letterman

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Q. Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney?
A. Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.

Q. What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
A. The Army.

Q: What's the easiest way to get a seat in a crowded French restaurant?
A: Speak German.

How to greet a Frenchman. (courtesy of The Simpsons)

Paris -

In a stunning reversal of policy, French President Jacques Chirac announced today that the French government will be supporting the War on Terror after all. Five hundred soldiers from the elite L’Abandonnement du Field d’Honneur Battalion (French Surrender Battalion) of the Legion Etrangere (Foreign Legion) are in the process of shipping out to Iraq where they will assist the elite Iraqi Republican Guards in their inevitable surrender to the overwhelming might of the American Armed Forces. “Eet ees important to be haughty and insufferable when surrendering,” said Colonel Philippe de Peepee, the Commanding Officer of the Surrender Battalion, who has personally surrendered in over 200 battles going back to Dien Bien Phu in 1954. “We French are the world masters at surrendering, n’est ce pas, not like you arrogant Americans who never surrender. Ha, I spit on your filthy American victories.”

President Chirac also announced that his government will be sending 3000 advisors from the elite Force du Collaborateur Francaise (French Collaboration Force) to assist the Iraqis in collaborating with the Americans while pretending to be part of a non-existent resistance movement.


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The ship sank. The life raft was much too small
for the six survivors.
The Captain, English, tells the rest that at least one person would have to leave the raft, so that it wouldn't sink and drown them all.
To make it fair, he will ask a maritime question of each sailor.
Wrong answers lose, and must go away.
He asks the First Officer " What is the greatest maritime disaster in history?"
The F.O., also English says "The sinking of the
"Correct" says the Captain. "When?" he asks the Chief Engineer, a Scot.
" 15 April, 1912" says the Engineer.
"Correct" says the Captain.
"What happened?" he asks the Canadian Able Bodied
"She struck an ice berg, eh" says the Cannuck.
"Correct" says the Captain. " Now tell me
how many people died?" he asks the Chief Steward,
a Welshman.
" One thousand, five hundred and twenty three souls." says the Steward.
"Correct" says the Captain.
Then glaring at the French Cook,
he says "Name them."
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