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1. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

2. Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything,
but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

3. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the
end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals
dying of nothing.

5. Friday night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an
argument going.

6. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder now days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to.

7. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice
about a woman is her eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no
attention to criticism.

10. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

11. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the
world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

12. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have
come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

13. There is a theory, which states that if ever anybody discovers
exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly
disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and
inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has
already happened.

14. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

15. You read about all these terrorists -- most of them came here
legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, go compare that to Blockbuster: you're two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

Candy
 
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